Tuesday, February 20, 2007

i enjoy sneezing---Personal insights, etc.


I am Michael. I am trying my best.

AN INSIGHT INTO MYSELF

I am realizing things about myself. This is the most recent one: my job requires that I pour myself into it. That I lose myself in the job, become passionate about it, emotionally invested, deeply involved in every aspect of my resident's lives. This is where I fall short.
I am not bad at what I do. But I am not naturally the best person for the job either. I try my best, sometimes. Sometimes I do not try my best. But even when I am not trying my best, that is the best that I can do. Sometimes it is just too hard for me, I am too weak.

The revelation was this: some people in life pour themselves into their jobs, interpersonal relationships, or other external portions of their lives. Many people do this to avoid looking into themselves, afraid of what they might find (or what they might not find). I believe that I have focused so much on my internal, my self, my ego, that now that I am asked to put my energy into external efforts, I find it extremely difficult.

I have lived alone. I have lived abroad. I have travelled alone. I spent a year without staying in the same place or with the same people for more than a week straight. Not having stability during these times was difficult, but it was a choice. I chose to put myself through this as a test, a growing experience. And during these times in my life I learned to look inside myself for joy and comfort. And I found it there. Sometimes it was me with my iPod. Sometimes I found solace in my photos. Usually it was my thoughts or memories that always kept me company best. I can remember being on a bus in India, a tough ride, and I was thinking about something, my mind a world apart, and it occured to me where I was and what I was doing, and how I had seperated myself from that by using my mind. And I loved my mind for that. And I realized: if you truly love your mind, love your self, then you can be happy anywhere at anytime. And I felt strong.
But here I am in a different world. Trying to care more about my job, about the world I am in. I am trying not to be an egotist. I am trying not to seperate myself from the people who need me here. But it feels as though it is almost too late for that. I've learned a "skill", a technique, and it works for me, and in a way it's always worked for me, and I've been this before my past three years have strengthened this part of me. It is me. And I'm sorry. Can I change now? Do I want to change? I'm sorry.

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BIOGRAPHY

August 1979---I was conceived in a tent in the Alaskan wilderness. Whether this is true or not, no one can confirm, except that it can't be because I think that April minus August doesn't equal 9...or does it? Math is tough.
My mother has confirmed that it is indeed possible that I was conceived at a mountain location known as Wonder Lake in Denali National Park. Check out the pic at the bottom of the screen and let that "suck it" feeling sink in.
April 15th, 1980---I was born in either Washington, D.C. or the adjacent suburbs. I like to pretend I was born in DC so I can utilize the following riddle: I was born in the United States, but I wasn't born in the states. Everybody says Puerto Rico. Stupid people!
I was a really cute kid for a long time, but nothing terribly eventful happened, at least not that I can remember. There are some great pics that I hope to someday get online. Anybody got a scanner I can borrow?
High school...hmmmm...1996 Coed Volleyball County Champs...suck on that one!!! Boosted interest in drugs and alcohol...oh, and I got really good at obsessing about girls I didn't know anything about!
Summer '98...graduated high school and got the fuck out of Bethesda...phew!!!...University of Michigan Summer Session, a blast and a half! Changed more in those months than I will ever change in my life.
'98-'99 4318 Elliot....if you weren't there, you wouldn't understand. Special room, special roommate, special friends. Six years later and I still love all those guys...can't complain about that.
'99-'00...Cambridge. 7 very unique people, strong personalities. MM,JS,JG,SZ,JN,AM,ER seven sevenths. a whole lot of growth for just one year. i think that age lends itself to growth like that. a lot of philosiphizing, a lot of dancehall reggae, a lot of curious few, a little sex.
if i could, for one moment, mark the most important trips of my life, if only for my own sake: 8/98-Arb, 5/99-Arb, 10/99-Arb, 5/00-Manitou, 7/00-Capitol Reef...there are a few more, but I can't brainstorm about this subject anymore...plus, once you get to be 20, they just can't be as life-changing. they become more of a reminder of that world. i think i need to write a whole page on what hongos mean to me.
2001---i lived in Spain for a while, learned some Spanish, got really wasted a bunch but somehow never threw up. Granada, Andalusia
After graduating college I moved to Costa Rica, taught English, learned Spanish. Good stuff.
I came back here just in time to do advance work for the Kerry campaign. I'm sad for the following reasons: 1)When all these people (young people, old people, disabled people, celebrities, people who never cared before, etc....) all come together to fight for a common cause, and then that cause is lost...it just doesn't seem right. 2)I love my country, and as a traveller I find myself defending it to foreigners....I say things like "we're dealing with diversity as well as anyone"...I make myself believe in our country, and until November 2nd I knew that this election would prove that belief right...and now it's really tough to believe in it...I mean, am I anything but a outed member of the left? Is this even my country as I had once perceived it? 3)People vote with their hearts, not their minds, their fears not their hopes.
After the campaign I headed west. Way west. So far west in fact that I was actually east. I spent half a year checking out the "lesser hemisphere". Fiji, New Zealand, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos and India. Amazing experience, I'm very lucky. India is by far the most (insert adjective here...positive or negative, it would still most likely be accurate). It's an extreme place. Everyone who can should be there before they die. Don't ask me to explain why (but if you do, I will answer). Actually, go ahead and ask me.

Now I live and work in Mt. Pleasant/Columbia Heights, Washington, D.C. I am the Case Manager at the Transitional Living Program of the Latin American Youth Center. Shibby!

If I only cry at beauty, does that mean that I do not embrace fear...?

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